I always thought that I would be viewed as being weak. Part of me feels weak for dealing with my ex and the other half of me feel strong because I endured and got rid of him.
A common misconception is that if I was in a relationship that was abusive, then I was a weak bottom. Not true. I'm not weak. I'm not a bottom. I ended up with a crazy mutherfucker...
Charles and I were in love, and to everyone we were perfect. We smiled all the time. We were always together holding hands. Being a weird "celebrity" gay couple in school. For a while it was wonderful.. And then things turned for the worst. A little after Charles attempted suicide, (which is something widely known now) our relationship turned to shit. And I had to dorm with him.
One weekend we were in the dorm watching a movie. I refuse to say which one, but lets just say it starred Anne Hathaway as a sick woman. I made a comment about the movie.. It ticked Charles off and I didn't see it coming but in one moment he punched me in the face. Then pulled me off the bed by my hair and started to drag me out of the room, screaming at me...
I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I started to fight him back and realized that this dude was stronger than me. He was trained to kill in the army.. Something that he would remind of for the entire time we were in a relationship.
At one point while he was hitting me, I had literally blacked out. My body felt numb. I was having an "out-of-body" experience. I felt like I was now watching from a distance at this dude hit me.. Then I fell out for a moment.
Some time after, I called my mom in Trenton, NJ crying my eyes out. Still on shock. I swear, my mother hates this dude guts now. I remember telling my friend Asheenia, almost like a cry for help.
This night in particular,
Charles came in my room and told me that the voices in his head told him to kill me. With that, I ran upstairs to my friend Shazzys' room. And she looked at me and said, "I knew it...You just seemed like a battered housewife."
Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night. I ended up going to work that day without sleep and a bruise on my face.. My coworker seen it and was pissed. One of the tenants from the building I worked in, made my coworker cover for me that day. She and I went to a session with her therapist.
When I returned to my dorm later that day. Charles and I had gotten into another fight about some guy he was fucking with. Unable to take it, I called out of work for a couple of days and went to stay with my friend Christina because I really couldn't stay in my dorm.
This picture was taken the day I was on my way to work without sleeping.. I felt so alone that day. I hid the secret for a while. Only a few people knew that I was trapped with a controlling boyfriend; who painted me as a needy and clingy controlling boyfriend. Which I found funny, anyone who knows me would tell you that I am none of those things. I am only clingy to people I love. I feared Charles, I didn't love him.
Leaving Charles seemed like it would be impossible unless he was the one to leave me. When I tried to break up with him, he ended up attempting suicide. Crawling underneath his bed in fetal position..
That night is still in the back of my head. Only the two others that were there to witness that scene remembers what it was like.. They sought therapy.. This right here is my therapy... This is me letting go In so many ways.
I am talking about a person who have tried so hard to ruin my reputation and failed miserably.. Charles have spread some horrible lies about me all over school and now, I'm happy that all of this is over. If he died today, i literally couldn't care.. I hear that he looks horrible now.. And that makes me so happy.. It doesn't pay to do dirt... Somebody should have taught him that...
