Another sad love song!!!

I think it's easier to be honest about things that have taken place in your life with strangers. This is one of those posts when I admit to something that I am not very vocal about. It's my abusive past relationship. I usually don't talk about it, because I don't like feeling like a victim.

I always thought that I would be viewed as being weak. Part of me feels weak for dealing with my ex and the other half of me feel strong because I endured and got rid of him.
A common misconception is that if I was in a relationship that was abusive, then I was a weak bottom. Not true. I'm not weak. I'm not a bottom. I ended up with a crazy mutherfucker...

Charles and I were in love, and to everyone we were perfect. We smiled all the time. We were always together holding hands. Being a weird "celebrity" gay couple in school. For a while it was wonderful.. And then things turned for the worst. A little after Charles attempted suicide, (which is something widely known now) our relationship turned to shit. And I had to dorm with him.

One weekend we were in the dorm watching a movie. I refuse to say which one, but lets just say it starred Anne Hathaway as a sick woman. I made a comment about the movie.. It ticked Charles off and I didn't see it coming but in one moment he punched me in the face. Then pulled me off the bed by my hair and started to drag me out of the room, screaming at me...

I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I started to fight him back and realized that this dude was stronger than me. He was trained to kill in the army.. Something that he would remind of for the entire time we were in a relationship.

At one point while he was hitting me, I had literally blacked out. My body felt numb. I was having an "out-of-body" experience. I felt like I was now watching from a distance at this dude hit me.. Then I fell out for a moment.

Some time after, I called my mom in Trenton, NJ crying my eyes out. Still on shock. I swear, my mother hates this dude guts now. I remember telling my friend Asheenia, almost like a cry for help.

This night in particular,
Charles came in my room and told me that the voices in his head told him to kill me. With that, I ran upstairs to my friend Shazzys' room. And she looked at me and said, "I knew it...You just seemed like a battered housewife."

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night. I ended up going to work that day without sleep and a bruise on my face.. My coworker seen it and was pissed. One of the tenants from the building I worked in, made my coworker cover for me that day. She and I went to a session with her therapist.

When I returned to my dorm later that day. Charles and I had gotten into another fight about some guy he was fucking with. Unable to take it, I called out of work for a couple of days and went to stay with my friend Christina because I really couldn't stay in my dorm.

This picture was taken the day I was on my way to work without sleeping.. I felt so alone that day. I hid the secret for a while. Only a few people knew that I was trapped with a controlling boyfriend; who painted me as a needy and clingy controlling boyfriend. Which I found funny, anyone who knows me would tell you that I am none of those things. I am only clingy to people I love. I feared Charles, I didn't love him.

Leaving Charles seemed like it would be impossible unless he was the one to leave me. When I tried to break up with him, he ended up attempting suicide. Crawling underneath his bed in fetal position..
That night is still in the back of my head. Only the two others that were there to witness that scene remembers what it was like.. They sought therapy.. This right here is my therapy... This is me letting go In so many ways.

I am talking about a person who have tried so hard to ruin my reputation and failed miserably.. Charles have spread some horrible lies about me all over school and now, I'm happy that all of this is over. If he died today, i literally couldn't care.. I hear that he looks horrible now.. And that makes me so happy.. It doesn't pay to do dirt... Somebody should have taught him that...

THE DAY AFTER

THE DAY AFTER!!!

I believe we all have a story to tell. If every picture tells a story; the story this picture might convey is, I am in a bathroom smiling...  However, the truth behind this picture is a little more complicated than that.

The year was 2008 and I was working with Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield of New Jersey. I was a Data processor in their Medicare Advantage department. I was the youngest black man in my department, which was cool because I had no problem being called "the baby" by some co-workers. Still, I hated that job so much. I would leave the job everyday crying. I remember crying on the phone with my mom because I had to deny so many of the seniors healthcare coverage. My mom would tell me to quit the job because she could tell I was depressed. "I would get so mad at her. "I can't quit, I have bills. I need money." I would always hang up on her. Just to call her back the next day and cry all over again.

 I was in a complicated relationship with Norman Lennox Sutherland. As much as I loved Norman, I wasn't happy with him. He was a very, angry and bitter drunk. He drank so much that I could never tell when he was sober. Actually, Norman had a habit of drinking every night. The only time he and I would have sex was after he would get drunk. This did a number on my self-esteem.I felt worthless with him; everything that I did when I was with him, was for him. I never really did anything for me.

One day, I had come down with the nastiest flu ever, but I could not afford to take time off of work. I have to work. T-mobile had taken  over $300 out of my bank account to pay my bill. I didn't sign up for the automated draft, so I was pissed. I had just paid rent. and the draft had sent my account into overdraft. Bank of America had fun with this.

Sick, broke and hungry. I went to work, my co-workers begged me to go home. I just couldn't afford to. I had to stay. I went to the pharmacy downstairs in the Horizon building and got some Tylenol  FLU AND COLD tablets and took two. I kept pressing on with my day.  However, I felt weird. My breakfast didn't digest at all. The pills felt like they were still in my throat. I however, paid no attention to it.half way through the day, I took two Benadryls, because I had an allergic reaction to something I ate. Once again. The Benadryl did not work. Then suddenly, the day was coming to an end. it was almost four and I finally felt my breakfast digest... That obviously wasn't a good thing... If My breakfast was just digesting, then that means that the pills that I had taken earlier would soon follow. The two Benadryls and two Tylenol soon followed and sent my system into a chaotic panic.

I felt dizzy, and weak trying to make it home. All I could think of was going home to get this shit out of my system. When I got home I was practically passed out on the floor. When I finally came to, Norman had come in and found me in my own vomit gasping for air while still knocked out. I had pooped myself and I had the highest fever. My whole body was hot and it was sore. I was breaking out with open sores all over my face. Later, the doctor told me that it was the drugs trying to leave my body. I was scared that I was going to die. Norman put me in the shower, and washed me up as I ended up pooping and vomiting all over the bathroom floor. It was a wrap. I was a goner. Which is usually what people say when they attempt suicide and fail. I didn't want to die that day... The doctor told me that I was fine and to stay in bed. He wrote me a note and sent me on my way.

The nest day, I went to work and news about my overdose hit the department. I was weirdly embarrassed. my face was still covered with open sores. I decided to Cover it up with inches of make up. I got away from the crowd and hid in the bathroom and took this picture and posted it on MySpace (it was 2008). Underneath the picture I wrote "Still alive... thank god"

The Host with Almost the Most

It was June 16 2012

I was hosting the Hudson Pride Connections Centers YouthConnect LGBT prom. Just a couple of weeks before, my life seemed like it was perfect. I was about to turn 26 and I was in love with someone who I thought had loved me too... From the outside looking in, it seemed perfect. But from the inside it was really about to crash down in flames.

On my 26th birthday, May 30th I had gotten a surprise birthday cake by the man I had loved in front of our friends. It was truly the first time someone had EVER surprised me on my birthday.
He had gotten away with it. I was truly surprised and I even cried. Just to wake up the next day and be told he didn't love me anymore.
And this seems like a set up for a bad lifetime movie. Where the lover has been cheating with the "victims" best friend for as long as the couple have been together. God if it were a movie, I would want Columbus Short to play me..

I suck at going through things publicly. I'm known as a private person, I don't always discuss my personal life. However, since Tiger and I weren't really together on paper; because he was still in so many ways connected to his ex-boyfriend (now boyfriend)
Our relationship was only made known to people he and I had known. It sucked.
After the fall out with Tiger I stayed below radar. It was hard for me to take. All of the plans I had for us, I cancelled. Photo shoots. Ads with different people. Cancelled. I didn't want to do it anymore. It wasn't where my heart was. So hosting this prom seemed like the end of the world for me.

Then on June 8th I had found out that my body had weird cancerous cells. It had to be treated. The last thing I wanted to do was be sick. How was I going to tell my mom? I didn't even know how to tell my sister. So I opted to keep it a secret. And so I did. I stayed home and I didn't contact anyone. I was already almost broke at this time.
I realized that I was losing weight. I realized that I was getting...
Weaker. I also realized that my hair was falling out... But, it took too much to tell others what was going on. I needed to know that I would be okay before I told anyone else what was going on with me.

Then just a couple of days before the prom, I saw him with his boyfriend. Then I saw him later at a friends house. We talked. We admitted we missed each other. I told myself things will be okay..

But when the prom started, I wasn't okay. I was sick to my stomach. After vomiting and feeling nauseous all day. The last thing I wanted to do was host a gay prom.. Especially for a bunch of gay kids I hated. I really didn't want to be there. I had felt like I had been knocked over the head the whole entire night.
But as soon as I was introduced... It was show time. When I heard Rihanna coming from the speakers, and when I was pushed to make my entrance... It was a wrap. I gave the crowd what they wanted.. I was shaking with fear the whole time.
I was sweating. I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. I remember telling Stephanie Mills (staff at Hpc) I wasn't certain that I could host or that I would be a good host., I cried the whole night before without sleeping. I was so nervous. If this prom sucked, it would be my failure as a host.

The whole night wasn't as successful as I thought it would be. It went well and for the most part everyone had a lot of fun. There were some high points in the Night. There was a conga line. Drag queens performing and I enjoyed being there that night with my entourage (the JC crew). It's easy to say that we ruled the prom. We were the mean girls!!! But then came time for a dance contest. Everyone thought it would be a great idea. Until we realized that the DJ had no music for the kids to vogue to... Wait what??? You are a DJ at a gay party and you don't have Vogue music??? Nightmare. Honestly, I had to make due with a dance contest that pretty much sucked. After it was over, I went outside to get some air and cried. When someone who was assisting me came to make sure I was okay.. I needed air. I wanted to be home sleeping. My body was weak. It was hard being heartbroken, weak and sad that night and then put on a good show for a crowd you didn't want to be around..

To these people I was fake. I was phony. A lot of them wanted to see me fail at my hosting duties.. I didn't, I put on one hell of a show. The reviews speak for themselves. There were people there who has done everything possible to ruin my reputation as the good boy next door... but regardless of all of that. i am still Justice.. It was so hard hosting that prom with a weak body, but i did it.... and i would do it again...
It cracks me up when people say shit about me. SOmetimes it hurts. I never get to tell my side of the story..
But there's a story behind every picture... This is mine...

I, Justice, Do Solemly swear to tell the truth!!!

 So Help Me Gucci!!!

December 2012. No makeup after a breakup

I think most people whole know me, would possibly say that I am a diva. A diva in a sense that I get a lot of attention without trying. I believe people that really know the "real" me would say that I am really down to earth and not at all the gay guy that I appear to be in front of people. So there seems to be a crazy confusion over who I am and what it's like to be me.

Many seem to believe I am a trashy, phony, fake, ass bitch. And I can be all of those things if you  let me. But what's the point.. Here is where I finally tell my truth, since so many people are telling my business without knowing me... 

So this blog is in so many ways like my Journal now. It is a project I wanted to start to show people what I was really thinking , feeling in different aspects in my life.

This is something I have always wanted to do. Taking different pics or stories and telling my side of the story, regardless of how others feel about it. If I have no followers, it's okay to me. This is my outlet.

I, Justice Keith Maurice Monroe, swear to tell the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth, SO HELP ME GOD!!!!!! And Gucci!!

Justice